Ms. Blueyes' Life

Well... I sit here a day after my 39th birthday and I do feel older.... Not because of the number on my body years, but the experiences that I have faced and gone through in my life. 2 weeks ago, I was given the experience that would change my life FOREVER! I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant from my little excursion in Hilton Head Island, SC over the 4th. The father wants nothing to do with the baby, so here I go at it alone. Feels like the 1st time all over again, but in a different way. Yes, I feel abandoned by the baby daddy, but I don't feel abandoned by my HEAVENLY FATHER - who is WAYYYYY more competent and trustworthy than any human here on earth. I thank Him for this blessing amongst my sin - the consequence of my blatent sinning against God, but is turning out to be used by God as a blessing and learning tool for my spiritual growth. AMAZING... 1st Dr appt is tomorrow and I hope to get an ultrasound to see Lil' Bean...lol... What life brings....

So here I am 3 weeks post-baptism and I can defineatley say that I'm off the baptism "high"... Satan is alive and well people... he knows the buttons to push and try to cause you to stumble and fall....as he did for me this past weekend... but you know, the GREAT thing of it is, is that Jesus supplies GRACE and MERCY to us all! I am under HIS GRACE! Yes, I am going to stumble and fall, but HE loves me anyways...HE accepts me and shows me what HE wants me to do... just amazing to me how God works... Still looking for work... didn't get a job that I really wanted.. interviewed for, background check, the whole 9, but not hired... but still have some other possibilites in the works... only God knows what is best for me and I have to trust Him with that... Keep ya'all posted...

What can I say about the faithfulness and goodness of God? He has provided more opportunities for me to see how I can trust HIM with everything in my life - finances, men, living situation, past hurts, schooling, and other heart issues... He is showing me areas that I didn't realize that I needed to hand over to Him for Him to take complete control over... The joy that comes from knowing Him and being in HIS love, my heartbeat is HIS heartbeat... Doesn't everyone want that?

*How much I feel like I belong in Africa, more and more each day *How much I want to be working where God wants me to work *How much I really want to be with this man from Ghana and wonder if it's really ever gonna happen??? *How my mom keeps getting sick/hurt/in pain and I can't be there to comfort her *How I'm going to be an auntie for the 6th time!!!! *How I have so many dreams and wonder if any of them are going to be coming true in my lifetime

Well, today would have been Chaylie's 6th birthday already! An almost 1st grader!! WOW how time flies... At times, I am glad she is not here to experience or see Mommy strugglin'... but of course my heart aches for her so deeply on some days, that it is beyond me. It's weird... there will be days that I don't think about her or miss her... yet, there are other days where she is constantly on my mind. Today, is one of those kind of days. I haven't cried or boo-hoo'd, just quiet. Reflective. Mommy loves you Chaylie...and I miss you with ALL of my heart, soul, mind, and being... see you in Heaven...

Well, here I sit on May 15th... a Friday night... and what am I doing? Laundry and writing yet another paper... UUUGGGGHHHHH!!! I will be SOOOOOO glad when these programs, especially this class that I'm in right now is over and done with!!! I'm in Strategies for Competitive Advantage... WHAT THE ?&(#O(!!!! Talk about SNOOOOZVILLE!!! I had to go to my local school district office to gather some stats to write this paper and incorporate the info with a scenario that the prof wrote... AGAIN... WHAT THE &#*^!!!! Ok... on to more pleasant things... I'll be walking in commencement July 11th and my parents surprised me by telling me they are flying out for the graduation ceremony!!! My younger brother and THE GANG are coming too!!! I'm soooo excited to have my whole family (minus the big brother) there and see where I live, friends and meet my adopted KY family that I have here... SO C'MOOOOOON JUUUUULY!!!! That's the thing that is keeping me going.... O...

How does any company think someone can live off of $7.75/hour??? I had a job interview today and the rate of pay was that.. but wait! Training - $6/hour, job shadowing - $6.75, assistant youth worker - $7.00/hour & the job I applied for $7.75/hour - all of course passing probation of 90 days and IF there's an opening then... Still haven't received my 1st unemployment check - called today - will be calling tomorrow Had a GREAT time in Washington, D.C. with my best friend, Ken! Even met a guy there, from Ghana!! His name is Kotey and he calls me at least 2x a day with a text message or two throughout the day... we will see.... Marvin - NY man - is communicating more ever since I decided to back up off that! He's talking about how much he misses me...blah blah blah....gotta work for this one dear one... put in the work to SHOW ME you serious!!! Will I ever get a job to be able to support myself???? I miss my friends and family....